all the world's a stage!!!

It Doesn't Matter To Me Anymore

12:03 PM, Friday, August 31, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

It doesn't matter what other people thinks of me,
they might be thinking the right thing.
It doesn't matter if I lose my closest friends,
they might find other people to find enjoyment with.
It doesn't matter if I fail all my exams,
I've experienced the worst.
It doesn't matter if I don't graduate on time,
I might not be ready for the real life.
It doesn't matter if my friends don't invite me to a movie/hang-out,
I'm a loser anyway.
It doesn't matter if I lose my ministry,
I don't get the sense of doing it anymore.
It doesn't matter if I don't lead praise and worship,
I don't know how to sing in the first place.
It doesn't matter if I can't lead the campus movement,
I'm not a credible leader.
It doesn't matter if people don't care,
No one cares for me from the very start.
It doesn't matter if I'm all alone,
No one would want to spend time with me.
My life doesn't matter to me anymore,
It's not mine to own.

- Gian

Increasing Entropy

10:02 AM, Tuesday, August 28, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

Entropy - A measure of disorder or randomness in a system. The 2nd law of thermodynamics states any spontaneous change is accompanied by an overall increase in entropy overall. For example, when water evaporates molecules are dispersed over greater distances resulting in an increase in entropy. (www.visionlearning.com/library/pop_glossary_term.php)

After reading the 'nosebleeding' definition of that where-did-it-came-from word, I hope that you are still on your normal mind. Anyway, If I am the system that is being defined there, I can say that right now, I'm in a state of increasing entropy. I'm having a hard time with my studies. I'm having a hard time dealing with people closest to my heart. I don't know what am I gonna do with my DG in CCC. I haven't been spending quality time with my family. My last major exam was a failure. I still have a grade of zero in our ME 186 probset (my professors fault actually). I'm losing my credibility as a Praise and Worship songleader in our church and in CCC. I don't understand why am I having a hard time sharing the Gospel to my freshmen friends. Is there anything more frustrating than these things?

I feel lonely these past few days. Aside from the fact that I really won't be able to graduate on time, I'm having a hard time dealing with more personal problems. And those problems really inflict pain in me whenever they cross my mind. I would spend more time alone in my room contemplating, thinking of ways how to deal with my struggles. The sad fact is, no one is willing to help me, not even my closest friends, not my Bible study group leader. It seems like I would be doing it all by myself now. I think God is teaching me to stand alone. Besides, I'm tired of asking people to help me. I'm tired of expecting them to really care. Well in fact, the opposite happens... that's why I'm tired.

Things change. Everything changes. I remember one text message from a friend saying that change is the only thing that is not permanent in this world. True isn't it? I think that's the thing that makes things difficult for me nowadays. Everything won't be the same again. The way I talk to people, the way I see the world, the way how I solve problems... they all have changed and I'm afraid... for the worse.

- Gian

Out Of Focus... Because Of The Rain (warning: for mature minds only)

4:08 PM, Saturday, August 18, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

It was so difficult for me to stay focused these past few days. I've been a bum since last Wedesday because of the super typhoons, which means I'm not doing anything fruitful with my studies and stuff. I would spend most of my time in my room reading my books as if I'm learning something or playing DOTA on my computer. But I go out once in a while even though it's raining too hard outside. I can't just lock myself up in my room.

I was reading my 'beloved' Powerplant Engineering textbook yesterday when Angelo (Gelo) texted me and asked where I am. He was in UP right at that moment and it was raining so hard. I can't remember having an appointment with him that day. But I still told him to wait for me there. He told me he was supposed to return a book at the Engineering Library but it was closed. So, I hurriedly ran to the bathroom, took a cold shower, wore the most comfortable t-shirt, jacket, pair of jeans and shoes and walk my way to the nearest jeepney terminal. The weather was really bad. It would be better off if you would just spend time in your room and sleep all day, and do nothing. But I still took the risk of meeting up with him despite the unpredictable weather.

The UP Main Library was open that day so he told me to meet him there. I saw him answering some math problems and he asked me some questions about it, how to answer it. But I wasn't able to give him nice answers. What do you expect from a 5th year college student who took that math subject almost 4 years ago? Gosh! I realized that I'm too old to be staying here in the university. By the way, Gelo is an ME freshman. I am one of the block handlers of their block. Basically I'm handling 33 ME freshies from different places in the country (but most of them are from Metro Manila). This is not my first time to meet with him. I've been having lunch with him and a few of his blockmates during the past weeks. During those times, I got to know him better. He was the silent type but he never says no to anything about acads and stuff (a typical freshie. =) ).

So we're at the library 'til 1pm and we decided to go somewhere to eat. From UP, we went to Jollibee Katipunan since it's the 'closest to our hearts.' We ate lunch there and talked about anything under the hiding sun. From high school life, to family life, to computer games, to food, to college life and the list goes on. He also taught me how to play Backgammon on his phone but in the end, I didn't understand everything he taught me about the game.We're having fun time with each other. We learn a lot form each other. We're pretty close with each other. So what's next?

Since the first time we met, I feel the burden of sharing God's Word to him as I was supposed to do. (Most of the people reading this might, at this moment, not understand what I'm saying. To those who understand my situation, please continue reading. To those who don't have a clue of what's this all about, you can stop here and choose to continue reading or PM me so I can explain everything to you. =) ). I want to tell him how God has been good to me and how He has given me overflowing grace. We share a lot of things in common. No doubt I was able to relate to him faster and easier. I can say that at this moment, I've built a relationship that is relevant to my life, my ministry. The problem is, I still have personal issues (matters of the heart) to deal with regarding my relationships.

So I was there sitting in front of him feeling silly. I keep on telling myself 'Go! Share! this might be the last chance that you can share to him! Bring out your weapon!' That thing keeps running in my mind all throughout our meeting. But I just don't know how to share it. Something's stopping me. Is it because of the rain? Or is there something I fear so much?
I've been experiencing a lot of emotional pains these past few days. That gave me a reason to stay out-of-focus. I don't know what's the point of what I'm doing. I forgot my purpose in life. Why am I doing all these things? It seems like I've been running around in circles and I don't know how to get out of that. I don't know what to prioritize things.

I don't know what's important. I put God out of my system and I do things on my own. I think this is the reason why I stay out of focus. I never long to spend more time with Him. I never long to know more about His Words. I never do anything for His glory. What am I doing with my life?
I don't have the answer to all my questions. I even don't know what to do for things to go the right way. I'm tired of playing games anymore. I'm hoping that one of these days, my desire of a more intimate relationship with my Almighty Father would come back. I think that's what I needed most.

- Gian