all the world's a stage!!!

Numbing Myself

11:44 PM, Tuesday, February 06, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

These past few days, I'm not feeling good about myself, my ministry, and my relationship with other people. Okay, medyo lumang tugtugin n 'to to those who really know me by heart. Relationships are my problem from the very start. I don't know why. But I know that a lot of times, I'm insecured with the kind of relationship I have with the people around me. Especially with this one special super friend* (if you're reading this, you should be proud that someone considers you a true friend, even if you don't consider him as one) of mine whom I've known for almost four years now. We've been through a lot sabi nga nya. That's true! We learned a lot of things about each other ever since the time na nagkakilala kami. Now, I don't know what's happening with our relationship. Hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko. I don't know if he still cares/thinks about me. We had a lot of fun times together. Marami ring sad. And I also spent a lot of intimate times with him. I feel like I gave everything just to make him feel that I trust him so much and that I also want him to trust me. But I think he finds it hard to trust me. I'll never forget the first time we had a misunderstanding which affected a lot of people around us. It was when he never told me anything that he's having a relationship with a girl who happened to be a member of our group. Haaaay..... 'Di ko p rin talaga ma-let go yung mga nangyari nun. Ewan ko ba.... I think the reason for all of these is the bitterness that I feel whenever I see him happy and satisfied with the people around him except me. Yeah I know, I know this is wrong. It wouldn't be even called a friendship in the first place because you're not helping each other to grow together. Well maybe, I don't have the right to say these things since he never considered me as a friend. Ako lang yung nag-assume. At sa tingin ko, ayun ang mali sa akin. Mahilig akong mag-expect kaya madalas, nadidis-appoint ako. I realized na nakakalungkot pala 'pag mag-isa ka lang, wala kang kausap. I've experienced it a lot of times and the feeling sucks. Right now, I'm trying to numb myself of the pain that resulted from my loneliness. I hope that it would work, but I think I will have a hard time numbing myself. I can't deny the fact that I'm still a relational person and I can't live without relating/talking to people.

*Kung nabasa mo man 'to (because I know that you even don't bother reading my blog), sana ma-realize mo na 'di pa rin talaga ako naka-let go. Sana mag-dare ka na i-break yung barrier na ginawa mo (at ginawa ko) between us. 'Yun eh kung nabasa mo 'to...

- Gian

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