all the world's a stage!!!

Release The Loneliness And The Bitterness Inside

1:25 PM, Sunday, February 18, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

Quiet Zone
Feb. 16, 2007, 11:30AM, 4th floor lobby, Melchor Hall, University of the Philippines, Diliman

Wala akong klase kaninang alas-diyes ng umaga kaya dumiretso ako dito. Dalawang taong ‘di ko kilala ang kasama ko ngayon. Ang isa kumakain, ang isa nag-aaral. Naupo ako sa upuan habang nakatingin sa tila kagubatang landas patungo sa kabilang dako ng unibersidad na ito. Maganda ang panahon, hindi mainit, malamig ng konti. Tamang-tama lang upang makapag-isip ng mabuti at alalahanin ang masasaya pati na rin ang malulungkot na nakaraan.

Sinalpak ko ang mga earphones sa dalawa kong tenga at nakinig sa paborito kong musika. Kinuha ko ang constitution ng isa kong org at binasa ito para ihanda ang aking sarili sa pagtakbo bilang chairperson. Mabigat sa kalooban ko ang tumakbo, kahit pangarap ko pa man ang maging pinuno ng org na ito. Isang mabuting kaibigan kasi ang makakalaban ko. Siguradong ikalulungkot ko kung ako’y matatalo dahil noon pa man ay panay na ang kantiyaw ng mga orgmates ko na ako ang susunod na chairperson. At doon nagsimula ang pagnanais ko na maging chairperson ng org. Tinamad na ako sa pagbabasa ng constitution. Nakikinig pa rin ako sa aking musika na tila nakikisabay sa aking damdamin.

Malapit na palang mag-expire ang unlimited text ko kaya naman nag-text ako ng isang magandang quote sa mga kaibigan ko. Isaang daan mahigit ang tinext ko. Pito ang nag-reply. 45 minutes ang ibinuhos ko para mai-send ang quote na ‘yon sa lahat ng mga numbers sa phonebook ko. Pampaubos oras talaga ang pagtetext. Lalo na kung walang distribution list ang cellphone mo.

Kinuha ko na ang mga readings ko para mag-aral kahit konti. Simula nanaman kasi ng mga exams next week. Pero tinamada akong magbasa kaya ito sinulat ko na lang ‘to.
Malungkot ako ngayon. Mabigat ang nararamdaman. Gusto kong umiyak pero hindi ko magawa. Matagal na panahon na pala nung huli akong umiyak. Tandang-tanda ko pa yung araw na ‘yon. Ang araw kung kailan pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa. ‘Nung high school, madali lang sa akin ang umiyak. Asarin mo lang ako iiyak na ako. Pero ngayon, hirap na hirap na akong ilabas ang isang patak ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. Siguro manhid na talaga ko.

Malungkot talaga ako, sobra. Hindi ko na kasi madalas makasama ang kaibigang itinuring kong higit pa sa isang kapatid. Nakakalungkot. Nakakalungkot isipin na ibang bagay na ang pinagkakaabalahan n’ya ngayon. Ibang tao na rin ang madalas niyang kasama. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot sa tuwing nakikita ko siyang masaya kapag kasama ang iba. Parang gusto ko na lang mag-evaporate ‘pag ganun ang mga eksena sa tambayan at sa kung saan-saan pang lupalop ng Quezon City. Hindi n’ya na ako kinakausap ng seryoso. Kakausapin niya lang ako kung kailangan niya. Kung kailangan niya lang. Hindi niya naman kasi yata ako kailangan nang kausapin pa. Kumbaga wala na siyang mahihita sa akin.

Dati, hindi namin pinaplano kung magkikita kami. Basta bigla na lang kaming magkikita sa tambayan at pupunta kung saan-saan. Pero ngayon, mas masaya pa yata siya ‘pag hindi ako kasama. Mas OK siya ‘pag ganun. Mas gusto niyang kasama ang iba. Hindi na rin ako comfortable na makipag-usap sa kanya. Hindi ko man lang siya matignan nang diretso sa mata. Mas masaya na siya ngayon dahil mas mahal siya ng maraming tao. Kaya hindi niya na ako kailangang makasama pa. Masaya na siya sa pagpapahalagang binibigay ng ibang tao sa kanya. Mabuti na rin para sa kanya. Hindi niya na talaga ako kailanganag makasama pa.

Matagal rin kaming hindi nag-usap at nagpansinan. Kamakailan lang ay tinext ko siya at sinabi kong nami-miss ko na siya. Sinabi niya rin na miss niya na raw ako pero hindi niya ako makausap dahil parang ayaw ko raw makipag-usap sa kanya. Napatunayan ko na hindi pa nya talaga ako lubos na kilala. Hindi ko rin alam kung totoo bang nami-miss n’ya talaga ako o sinabi niya lang ‘yon dahil naaawa siya sa akin. Pero pinaniwalaan ko pa rin siya sa mga sinabi niya. Ako na yung nakpakababa kumbaga.

Hay nako!! Bitter talaga ako. Ewan ko kung bakit ko laging kinukumpara ang sarili ko sa kanya sa lahat ng bagay? Parang lagi akong nakikipag-kumpitensya sa kanya. At siya lagi ang nananalo. Kailanman hindi pa ako nanalo sa kanya. Siguro gusto ko lagi ako ang napapansin kaya parang nakikipag-kumpitensya ako sa kanya. Siya lagi kasi ang bida dahil mas magaling siyang mag-joke at bumanat ng mga pick-up lines. At sa totoo lang, mas minamahal ang tao dahil magaling siyang mag-joke at humirit lalo na kung may taong hinihiritan at napagtatawanan/nasasaktan dahil sa ‘well-delivered’ na punch line/joke. At mas-gwapo siya sa akin. May kilala ako na nagkaka-crush sa kanya. ‘Pag magkasama kami, siya lagi ang unang binabati, siya ang unang nilalapitan. Minsan hindi na nga ako pinapansin ng mga taong bumabati sa kanya. Kung papansinin man ako, isang napakalamig na ‘Hi Gian!’ lang ang maririnig ko. Minsan kailangan ko pa talagang magpapansin para ipadama sa kanila ang presensiya ko. Pero kahit ano gawin ko, mas gusto siyang kumustahin at kausapin ng mga tao. Hindi niya na kailangang magpapansin dahil siya lagi ang napapansin. Ako ay isang apparisyon lang sa tabi niya.

Medyo ayos na kami ngayon (ayos na nga ba?). Nagkukulitan na kami at nag-uusap na ulit. Pero hindi ako kuntento sa mga ganun ganun lang. Medyo sentimental kasi akong tao kaya gusto ko ang mga heart-to-heart talks. Mushy akong tao, siya hindi. Hindi siya comfortable sa mga ganun dahil sabi niya, hindi siya ganu’ng tao.

Teka, bakit ba ako nag-aalburoto nang ganito? Wala naman yata akong karapatang sabihin ang mga ito dahil kahit minsan, ‘di niya ako itinuring na isang kaibigan. Kailanman hindi ko naramdaman na nagtitiwala siya sa akin. Pakiramdam ko ibinigay ko lahat nang pagtitiwala ko sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko nasabi ko na sa kanya ang lahat lahat tungkol sa akin. Pero wala pa sa kalahati ang alam ko tungkol sa kanya.

Hindi ko alam sa kanya kung bakit minsan hindi niya nahahalata na may mabigat akong problema at kailangan ko nang mapagsasabihan nito. Wala yata talaga siyang pakialam sa akin. Bakit ako na lang lagi ang nagpapakababa? Bakit ako na lang lagi ang lumalapit sa kanya? Bakit kailanman hindi niya nagawang lapitan ako at kausapin? Bakit ako na lang ang laging talo? Buti pa siya, madaling makalimot kaya hindi niya kailangang malungkot tulad ko.

Sinubukan ko nang kalimutan ang lahat pero hindi ko magawa. Lalo ko lang siyang naaalala ‘pag sinusubukan ko siyang kalimutan. Lalo ko lang hinahangad na bumalik ang dating samahan. Hindi ko alam kung pinahalagahan niya ako tulad ng pagpapahalaga ko sa kanya noon. Mas mabuti pa sigurong manahimik ako at huwag banggitin ang kahit ano tungkol sa mga nararamdaman ko. ‘Di naman n’ya kasi nararamdaman talaga ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Mababaw siguro ang pagtingin niya sa ‘kin. Ayoko na ring magkaroon ng mga kaibigang magsasabing concerned sila sa’yo pero sila ang unang taong magpapahiya/magpapahamak sa’yo…

Labels: bitterness, college life, friendship, loneliness quiet zone, relationships

- Gian

Yes, I'm A Loser.

2:38 PM, Sunday, February 11, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

I admit it! No matter what I do, people won't love me the way I want them to. I'm guilty of expecting too much from a relationship and that's what frustrates me most. This is a very big problem on my part. I really am a great 'expecter' when it comes to relationships, especially with new ones. I think I can trace the roots of these problems back when I was in high school. I was deprived of any relationship that would help me grow as a Christian. I used to find people whom I can share my hurts with. But those people whom I shared to, and trusted so much, can't care enough for me. They have their own thing and it hurts a lot to know that they don't trust me the way I want them to. These things taught me how to hate people. People who really don't care. People who would show that they care for you but in the end, they will be the one who will ridicule you first. Imagine being humiliated in front of a lot of people and there's no one who would be willing to stand up there with you.

The greatest struggles came and I don't know how to deal with them because I didn't learn a lot from my experiences during high school. 'Til college came and I realize my vulnerability with regards to my relationships. I thought I'll forget all about those things and I can continue on with my life in a new environment where different kinds of people thrive. But I was wrong. I still do the things that I did in high school and I ended up being more and more frustrated. I thought I know how to love since I'm in an environment who, more or less, talks about love in its very deepest sense. It came to my knowledge that I'm doing the wrong kind of love, that is conditional.

Right now, I don't have someone (because I'm not sure if I can trust people enough, even those closest to me) whom I can share my struggles with. I just do things by myself because I'm not sure if there's someone who would be willing to help me until the end. I'm afraid of being rejected or ridiculed. But still, people fail me. I tried numbing myself because I thought that it would help me forget my hurts. But the more I try to forget them, the more I long for an intimate relationship. A relationship which can't be broken by a single word or act. A relationship that grows for the good of the people involved and the people around it. A relationship that exists because of love. A relationship which longs for intimacy. A relationship that is heaven-bound.

Labels: expectations, frustrations, high school, hurts, intimacy, love, relationships, struggles

- Gian

Salamat Ha? (Sarcasm Rules!)

1:05 AM, | Link to this post | 0 comments

Last thursday was the worst day of my week. I planned not to go to the fellowship because I have a bad feeling that I'm gonna see him (the 'friend' I told you on my previous post) again face to face (my ultimate goal is to not look at him in the eye or even see him). I was so disappointed that day because I've proven to myself again that I can't make my own decisions, that I just go with what others dictate to me. Haaay nako.... Asar talaga!!! Going back to the fellowship, I don't have the choice but to go inside the fellowship room and pretend that I'm not affected by his presence. Yes, pretend. Because I don't want the people there to be affected. But I'm having a hard time talaga dealing with that. I'm very verbal kasi when it comes to my feelings or emotions. To my great surprise, he was the one chosen to tell his life story that night. Grabe! naka-jackpot ako!!! Asar talaga!!! I really don't feel like listening to him. Gggrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhh..... But I have no choice but to hear his story. And Voila!!! His story is about relationships. Parang ako talaga yung pinatatamaan. He told the people there that he's not comfortable showing affection to his friends, which I'm very guilty of committing. I never looked at him in the eye while he shares his story (we have a small room by the way, so every move you make will be seen). I got out of the room during the middle part of his story and waited 'til it ended. Nakakaasar talaga.... Haaay nako..... Ewan ko ba... I really can't let go of my pride. When will he realize that I was so affected by what he has done/said to me in the past? I haven't fully recovered yet. Sana hindi siya manhid. Salamat talaga!!!

- Gian

Numbing Myself

11:44 PM, Tuesday, February 06, 2007 | Link to this post | 0 comments

These past few days, I'm not feeling good about myself, my ministry, and my relationship with other people. Okay, medyo lumang tugtugin n 'to to those who really know me by heart. Relationships are my problem from the very start. I don't know why. But I know that a lot of times, I'm insecured with the kind of relationship I have with the people around me. Especially with this one special super friend* (if you're reading this, you should be proud that someone considers you a true friend, even if you don't consider him as one) of mine whom I've known for almost four years now. We've been through a lot sabi nga nya. That's true! We learned a lot of things about each other ever since the time na nagkakilala kami. Now, I don't know what's happening with our relationship. Hindi ko na talaga alam gagawin ko. I don't know if he still cares/thinks about me. We had a lot of fun times together. Marami ring sad. And I also spent a lot of intimate times with him. I feel like I gave everything just to make him feel that I trust him so much and that I also want him to trust me. But I think he finds it hard to trust me. I'll never forget the first time we had a misunderstanding which affected a lot of people around us. It was when he never told me anything that he's having a relationship with a girl who happened to be a member of our group. Haaaay..... 'Di ko p rin talaga ma-let go yung mga nangyari nun. Ewan ko ba.... I think the reason for all of these is the bitterness that I feel whenever I see him happy and satisfied with the people around him except me. Yeah I know, I know this is wrong. It wouldn't be even called a friendship in the first place because you're not helping each other to grow together. Well maybe, I don't have the right to say these things since he never considered me as a friend. Ako lang yung nag-assume. At sa tingin ko, ayun ang mali sa akin. Mahilig akong mag-expect kaya madalas, nadidis-appoint ako. I realized na nakakalungkot pala 'pag mag-isa ka lang, wala kang kausap. I've experienced it a lot of times and the feeling sucks. Right now, I'm trying to numb myself of the pain that resulted from my loneliness. I hope that it would work, but I think I will have a hard time numbing myself. I can't deny the fact that I'm still a relational person and I can't live without relating/talking to people.

*Kung nabasa mo man 'to (because I know that you even don't bother reading my blog), sana ma-realize mo na 'di pa rin talaga ako naka-let go. Sana mag-dare ka na i-break yung barrier na ginawa mo (at ginawa ko) between us. 'Yun eh kung nabasa mo 'to...

- Gian