all the world's a stage!!!

A Stormy Year, Figuratively And Literally

5:58 AM, Wednesday, December 30, 2009 | Link to this post |

There's something odd about 2009. Aside from the fact that 9 is an odd number, this year has been super crazy, chaotic, and, for the most part of it, overly frustrating. I feel like everything was going all wrong as the months pass by. Looks like 2009 was not my year. If 2008 was the best year of my life, 2009 was the complete opposite. (Click here for my 2008 year-end blog)

Early last year (I mean 2009), I have the highest hopes to graduate by April. Since I'm on a graduation mode during that time, I have to sacrifice some other things, things that I really love, just to finish my thesis. I attended a lot of graduating students' seminars sponsored by different churches and organizations because I thought that it would somehow encourage me to pull off college. It was a tortuous journey for me. Add the fact that I'm doing my thesis alone.

To make the long story short, I wasn't able to graduate last April. That was the first major frustration that came to me last year. I can still remember every detail of that day when my professor told me that he won't be accepting my project, suggesting that I take the same subject the next semester. My world fell apart. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for that. My parents got really frustrated about it. Thankfully, they learned to accept it, more easily than I did. After finding out that I really can't do anything about it, I started planning out what to do next. I don't have a plan B yet.

One thing that I am really afraid of is the thought that if I didn't graduate, I won't stay in QC anymore. That was my biggest fear during that time. I became easily attached to friends because I enjoy every single moment with them, playing ultimate every Monday and doing hardcore jogging around the acad oval every Wednesday night. I also love our dinner outs as well as the Friday gimiks. I'm having the time of my life but because of that unfinished thesis, I have no choice but to follow what my parents said, and that's for me to stay with them again, far away from my beloved friends, far away from the place that I really called home.

Summer came. I keep on thinking ways on how to go back to QC and stay there. I started to find part-time jobs just around the vicinity of the campus. I thought that maybe, it would be enough reason for my parents to allow me to stay there again. But I failed on that part. I'm a loser feeling bitter of the things that I missed while spending time in our house.

For the last time, I enrolled as an undergrad student when June came. Still, my parents won't allow me to stay in QC since I only have 2 units left to complete. I was already hopeless that time. But I continued to find ways to get out of our house. Quite unexpectedly, a friend told me that he's gonna resign from his job as a Physics tutor and he recommended me to his employer. One day, I got a message from one of the coordinators that he's gonna schedule me for a demo teaching. Actually, I was thinking twice if I would accept it since I already applied for that job before and I failed. But I was too desperate to find a part-time job so I accepted the invitation for another round of demo teaching. And I'm doing this for one single purpose, to go back to QC. I think I was lucky enough to be given a second chance. I woke up one morning preparing Physics lesson plans and test guides to 4th year high school students.

I realized then that going to work while finishing your thesis is easier said than done. I had a hard time juggling with my regular thesis meetings (this time, I have groupmates so the job should be easier, but I was wrong) and scheduled tutorial sessions. Plus, I have to take long rides each day from home to work (and sometimes, to school) and back. It was very tiring on my part. So I keep telling myself that I really should get a place near work and school. But after getting my first regular paycheck, I realized that I still can't get a place of my own. It got me really frustrated because I have the highest hopes that I can already rent a place. But my salary was just not enough.

With my mind still focused on raising enough money to go back to QC, I felt the pressure of staying at home, parents asking me if I can finish my thesis on time and siblings who gets in my way whenever I need to use the internet (thankfully, I was able to buy a wireless router for our home network system). I also had a hard time dealing with everyone at home. I felt like they're all against me. So I didn't give a damn interacting with them. I always preferred to be alone. It came to a point where I don't wanna hear a single word from my parents. I intentionally go home late when everyone's asleep so I won't bother having to see them. In the same way, I get up in the morning whenever everyone's gone. I even make excuses to go out for thesis every weekend. I just can't bear living in the same house with them.

Once in a while, I go out with friends especially during birthday celebrations and special occasions. I just miss being with them. I promised myself to do everything just to be with them again and do the things that I love.

My life was like that for the past months or so. On the other hand, I'm having a great time with my workmates. They became my new friends in an instant. I somehow enjoyed work because of their company.

September 26, 2009. Guess what happened? I was at the engineering library in UP with my thesis mates. It was the day when Ondoy hit Manila. I have no idea what's happening around the metro since we were stranded at school. I called Mama to ask if I can go home since we usually have flood whenever there's a big storm. My mom said floodwaters on the streets were already waistdeep (probably knee deep inside our house) so she suggested that I spend the night at my thesis mate's house. Thank God my family's safe. Floodwaters subsided before the day ended so I was able to go back home the next morning. The next day, I heard the news about people who died because of the catastrophic flood. As I watch the TV, more heartbreaking stories were being reported. I can't help it but feel sorry for those people who were affected by the great flood. Somehow, I learned to appreciate my own family after hearing those stories. I prayed to God and thanked Him because He kept my family safe and no one's hurt.

After Ondoy, things started to change. Quite miraculously, I always long for a time with my family every weekend. I learned appreciating my moments with my family every dinner and lunch. I started talking to them and tell them stories about work and friends. It seems like God has worked His way through me. I'm somehow thankful to Ondoy because it made me see things through a different light with regards to my family. God has been telling me to love my family. And true enough, I'm learning to love them, little by little. It just proves that even though I screwed it up, God still loves me and He wants me to have the best.

Grace. It's one thing that I should be thankful for this year. I've been doing everything all wrong with my relationship with God but I'm glad that He saved me not just from the flood that Ondoy brought but also from the sinful nature. I finished my thesis by God's grace last year. This coming April, I'm gonna graduate from this country's premier state university. All because of God's grace.

What a year indeed! A lot of ups and downs but still, God's mercy prevailed. It wasn't a perfect year but God's strength was made perfect for my weakness. I believe that He has a reason why He let me get frustrated with what happened with my life, and if I only follow His heart, He will lead me to the place where He wants me too.

Blessed 2010 to all of us! :)

- Gian

Christmas Parties, Christmas Shopping, And Some Random Thoughts

9:16 AM, Monday, December 21, 2009 | Link to this post |

After two Christmas parties, a shopping date with a good old friend, and a high school reunion, I finally got to spend some time in front of my dear computer updating my Facebook account, burning downloaded movies and stuff, writing this blog, and just having a feel of typing on my keyboard.

Preparing for a Christmas party is quite tiring and at times frustrating especially if you have a big part to play. Thank God, I was still able to manage my time (and anger) in doing stuff that needs to be done ahead of time. Honestly, 'I don't feel any fressure right now!'

Earlier today, I started doing a little Christmas list that I can bring for my Christmas shopping adventures. Since I'm doing in on a last minute basis, I might as well take an hour or two to the mall starting tomorrow to buy gifts little by little. As you can see, I really don't have much time anymore to do it in one 'full-blast' Christmas shopping. Oh well, thanks for the 1pm call time at work starting tomorrow. The only drawback is, I have to get a little from my monthly savings to buy gifts because I've been living an, putting it into a friend's word, extravagant life these past few days. So I should get ready for a 'super tipid mode' after Christmas. :)

Work is going pretty much cool now. Praise God for less paranoia. I can now talk and relate with my workmates with ease and patience. Just yesterday, I realized that I've been missing a lot whenever I take some time alone with myself during free hours. It deprives me of knowing who really my workmates are. I also realized that I'm better off if I'm the one taking the initiative to talk to a person and break the barriers between us. Now I'm starting to appreciate the freedom to talk to people in my workplace. I miss my 'old self' in a sense that I'd naturally 'pursue' people to know their hearts and establish a relationship with them. I was once known to be a friendly type of person, someone whom you can easily get along with. But as much as I want to pursue people, at the end of the day, I also want to be pursued by the people I love. Cheesy much!?! Oh well, I think God really made me that way. It's up to me how will I use it for His glory. :)

I did some Christmas shopping with a dear friend of mine yesterday at the Megamall. It wasn't really planned. It just so happened that I left work early so I have an ample time to shop. Praise God mall hours were extended to 12mn. Actually, I was expecting a much bigger shopping crowd as people do their last minute Christmas shopping. Thankfully, it wasn't that bad yesterday.

What to expect this coming week? Hmmmm... I hope to complete all the stickers for the Starbucks planner because I plan to give it to someone on Christmas. We'll be having another Christmas party on Tuesday. This time, with my workmates alone. The next day (hopefully), I'll be having dinner and coffee after with two special friends because I miss them so much. For that, I hope to finish my Christmas shopping by tomorrow. :)

- Gian

Sharing A Bit Of My Life

2:12 AM, Tuesday, December 08, 2009 | Link to this post |

I woke up late today because I had a conversation with a friend last night. I had a great time with him even though we only had to chat online. Besides, I really miss talking with this guy. He's been like a brother to me for quite some time now. Owe you one, bro! :)

Anyway, I had a great time at work today, not that I didn't have any problems with my students and other workmates. Thank God I wasn't too harassed at the end of the day. I only attended to a few students to help them study for their upcoming quizzes. One coordinator (again) from the Manila branch did a thorough observation around the center. Surprisingly, everyone did their work as naturally as they can and not being conscious with the way they handle students. And the students? They're pretty much behaved today.

Remember the story about a workmate of mine whom I have a hard time relating to? Believe it or not, we have been in good terms lately. I even bought a shirt from him. But there are still some instances when I feel uncomfortable talking with him especially when he's with his best bud. Actually, I was supposed to bring my sister's DSLR today at work because he offered to help me with some lighting techniques to use. I wasn't able to bring the camera because my sister left early for work so I didn't text him to bring his'. But he came to the center with his DSLR and asked me if I brought mine. I told him I didn't text him so I assume that he won't be bringing his camera at work. So I was like, shemsssss, 'dyahe naman sa kanya dahil dinala pa niya.' I think he carried 3 bags today: one for his laptop, one for the shirts he's selling, and one for his camera. But he said it was definitely fine for him if I didn't bring mine. He just took some snapshots around the center. Oh well, so much for him. The day didn't only end with him.

Today, I was blessed by two workmates of mine. Let's name them workmate # 1 and workmate # 2. :P So I was doing something while singing some songs and workmate # 1 asked me 'mahilig ka talaga sa mga theatre songs?' 'Of course!' I replied. 'I love Broadway!' Then I told him the story how I developed an interest in Broadway. It started when I was a kid and I used to ask my uncle to buy me soundtracks of Disney animated films. I used to listen to them over and over again as a child. It was just during college when I learned to love Broadway songs. Well, Disney songs are much more like Broadway in a sense. I'm glad that I was able to share this little part of my life which means a lot to me. After a while, I shared to him my rants on how I wasn't able to receive any text messages from friends for a relatively long while. I told him that before, I used to get jealous easily if my friends didn't reply to my texts and all that jazz. To take it further, I took some personal time with him and asked him about my situation because according to him, it was kind of interesting. So I told him my story of this and that, of being easily attached to people, and of being so possessive of my friends. According to him, I might be suffering from a personality disorder, something that is called 'borderline.' Aside from those, he also told some other personality disorders and its manifestations to an individual. During that short time with him, I learned something about myself, that I am so vulnerable with the simplest things and the simplest mistakes people make. But thank God because as I see it, I'm in the process of recovering from that personality disorder. Before, like three or four years ago, it was even worse. You wouldn't want to know the things that I used to do whenever I'm angry or jealous with someone. I'm used to be possessive of friends and you wouldn't want to mess with me.

I also shared another piece of my life to workmate # 2. This time, I told him some stories of adventures as well as misadventures with some of our workmates. It's good to be talking with him inside the bus even for just a short while. I was blessed because he listened to everything I said. I was like so unstoppable telling him some stories about being 'epal' at work, how things became a lot different after a certain incident which involved me being 'badtrip' with two workmates, and how I get frustrated with my relationship with some workmates. I did the talking and he just gave me some pieces of advice on how to deal with those.

Workmate # 1 and workmate # 2 are the people whom I'm able to get along with easily at work nowadays since we all have something in common, we are all Christians having the same struggles. I thank God for giving me a chance to really know about them and their lives during one group reflection time. I mean, it was no accident that today, I was able to share a bit of my life to them. I won't be surprised if this is just a part of God's big plan for my life while I work as a science tutor in the center. I pray to God for more quality time with them. Also, I pray to God that one of these days, I would also be able to reach out to other workmates to share my life. And eventually, I hope to bless them with every word that I say and with every deed that I do.

- Gian

Just Some Random Thoughts Before I Sleep

3:34 AM, Monday, December 07, 2009 | Link to this post |

I told myself while I'm on my way back home that I'm gonna write something today. The question is, what am I going to write? A friend once told me that as a writer, or a blogger at least, I should have my own style of writing. But what the heck? I'm not a Creative Writing major to have style and everything. I usually write as my fragile heart (uh huh) leads. Most of the time, I write about major events that put twists in my life. Sometimes, my blog transforms into an online shock absorber. I'm an extreme blogger I guess. One day I'm gonna write all the good stuff but on the next, it will be the end of the world for me. There are also those times when the randomness of my thoughts produces clutter on an 'online paper.' I can still remember when a professor of mine in Creative Writing 10 (a general subject in UP) gave us a set of readings about how to minimize or better yet, remove clutter while writing a story. It just didn't work for me, I guess. Just a thought, I have my own writing style after all, a random and cluttered one. :D

Work was... pretty cool today. Got the chance to talk with a workmate of mine whom I haven't talked with because of some personal (and immature) reasons. In the first place, I shouldn't be posting this for his own sake. But blogging somehow became my stress reliever these past few days. So I have no choice but to release this stress I'm feeling right now. Actually, it took me a lot of guts to talk to him because I really don't feel like it. There's still a trace of uneasiness every time he's near me. Like I always want to stay away from him as much as possible. Just last weekend, I was able to ponder on this situation and I've decided to try my best to be in good terms with him. Besides, no one knows that one day, he might resign from work due to some unexpected reasons and by the looks of it, it's not far from happening. I hope that in the coming days, we'll be in good terms. Somehow, I realized that he's a great person with a kind heart. :)

Today, we've been observed, by a supervisor of some sort, on how we handle our students in the center. Thankfully, it didn't become as bloody as expected. We did everything just fine. Hopefully there are only a few negative feedbacks. And I think I didn't screw up. Oh well, let's see on our next general meeting about those observations.

Actually, I'm tired. And since I don't have something in mind to write at the moment, I better sign off now. :)

- Gian

I Think I'm Ready For These Things

10:21 PM, Saturday, December 05, 2009 | Link to this post |

These past few days, I've been tempted to write some crazy stuff about work. Probably the result of my longing to relieve myself of some stress. A lot of things are happening inside my mind right now that I might end up conveying ideas after ideas and opening topics after topics. But I'll try my best to make this one as painless as possible. *Breathes deep* Whew!

Actually, I don't want to write anything about work just for now because I might get frustrated upon writing, for a lack of a better term, not-so-good-to-hear stories. Prior to writing this blog, I've been thinking of some other things that I can write. My ideas range from my plans after graduation, my plans of moving again to QC, my desire to master the craft of acting, singing, and dancing, and so much more. Hmm... By the looks of it, I might write a very long blog. Add the fact that I haven't blogged for a very loooooong time. I wrote my last blog last summer during the time of the Hayden Kho and Katrina Halili scandal and prior to that, I resorted to writing my thoughts on a notebook instead, some kind of a journal or a diary of some sort. Oh well, thank God I now have the luxury once again to pour my heart out in this blog. How I miss doing this. :)

So first thing's first, I wanna tell the whole world that I'm a graduate already!!! Though not yet officially (I still have to wait for the deliberation before the year ends). Whew! It took me a lot of pain just to finish my thesis. By the way, we are four in our group. It was really fun working with my groupmates. Though we argue at times because of conflicts on our schedules but God worked His way through us.

A little flashback: FYI, that was my second time to take that thesis course as an undergrad. My first take was super fail!!! If I'm not mistaken, I did my first thesis for 3 semesters, the last two I was doing it alone because my thesis partner, for some weird and unjustifiable reason, made her own way to pass that course without me knowing it. It took one month, more or less, before she actually confessed upon returning my old guitar and the book she used as reference for 'our' project. That was the very gist of it. The whole story should be left to be written on another blog entry. But don't get me wrong because I'm already in good terms with my former thesis partner. I've forgiven her already. (Former thesis partner, if you are reading this, I still want to thank you because somehow, I learned to do things on my own and be confident with what I know.) :)

So going back to my second thesis, we were able to do the project cramming almost everything. Oh yeah! But still, we made a nice thesis in the end. The 'Best Project' as we usually dub it while we're speaking amongst us. It was God's loving hands who guided us while we spend hours doing our thesis in the college library, at McDonald's Katipunan, and anywhere where there's WiFi. I can still remember when Typhoon Ondoy hits Manila, we were stuck in the college library doing some research and design works. And the rest is history so to speak. We were able to get a high grade that we didn't expect! Praise God for that! We owe Him one. :)

So what happened after that? *checks grade online just to be sure the thesis grade is still there* I started thinking of great things that I can do as a graduate. One thing just came into my mind: I'm not a student anymore! Vengeance is mine!!! *evil laugh* Goodbye sleepless nights! Goodbye exams! Goodbye homeworks! Goodbye college friends??? Of course not! Actually, my first specific plan after graduation is to spend time with my friends. Yeah! I miss them so much because I've been busy doing my thesis during the past months. I wanna play ultimate frisbee again with them! I even bought my own pair of cleats last September. But sad to say, that pair of cleats is still in its box. I haven't used it since then. For some weird reason, I spent more time with my friends during thesis days. Maybe because the need for a breather is greater during that time than now when I'm more relaxed. I really miss playing ultimate during monday afternoons at the sunken garden and then jogging around the acad oval during wednesday evenings. You know what, I really should do those things again as soon as possible or else, I will be your Santa this Christmas. :P

Aside from those things, I also want to ice skate (Poor ice skating rink in Megamall. It was turned into an activity center just recently. :( ) I also want to learn digital photography but I don't have my own DSLR yet. It's on my wishlist this year. :)

What else do I want to do? Hmmmm... Let's take it further. :)

Of course, my desire to do theatre as a profession still never ceases. I want to enroll again in UP but this time, as a Performance major in Theatre Arts. The theatre bug is biting me again. And that's good! It means that I still have my heart with me. :) Also, as an engineering graduate, I also want to continue further studies as an MS student in UP and probably, finish a doctoral degree in a reputable school abroad. I also want to try teaching in UP while doing my masters. I also want to learn to play fencing since it was the first game that I truly love. :) Next year, I will take the licensure examinations for Mechanical Engineers. So I have to take review classes by May next year.

These are just some of the things that I really want to do now that I'm a graduate. Like what I have written in my journal before, life is too short to do all these things. That's why I better start doing them one at a time as early as now.

I pray that God would always be with me as I reach these dreams. Would you also be part of it?

- Gian